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The Mental Health Episode

Sep 14, 2016|

Carrington is joined by Megan Armstrong who discusses her bouts with mental health, her suicide attempt and her relationship with NFL WR Brandon Marshall

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Automatically Generated Transcript (may not be 100% accurate)

They should they just stuck to sports. Yeah. It's gonna stick to sports club dancing with Kerry did Harrison from the drive. There. I welcome me happy to be joined by meg and Armstrong on the stick to sports I cast a little different addition. Other podcast today subscribe on iTunes or six cents or stuck come all that stuff was podcasters say. Try to get you to listen to a bit unhappy being joined by meg in our first time was to the sports bike as meg and as a go to. Good good I'm glad that you and not to bring bring here yeah I'm happy to have. I think it's important I don't feel like people have conversations about mental health. In the open I feel like everybody says. I would bet shootings happened yet mean American he's focused more mental than do more about it what about. You are doing thing about it so I think the conversation and dialogue. It's something worth have been let's just start with this very easy question what does. What does mental health mean to you lord. It's it's as. You know ingrained in who I am in my personality in what I have been there is anything else's bro in more than anything else just because. You know if you ask me to it's I've been asked multiple times in a wind did this start. I can't pinpoint it because remember I was in high school. Are you never housing kindergarten expanse that far. Where I would guess there are signs where my hand is uses social worker and she. Which you see it in the right here she's an eight. Okay. You know she she has things going on she was I would be afraid to go outside I would outings I that was that. Crippling at that young of an age I would Wear my mother's clothes to school and elementary school zone at a high it was the press and all this stuff in so. No mental health in me insists. Not just talking about it and and and being able to heal with each other but also understanding that it's not something that we need. You know king tin all the way fixed just by talking to each other ignites a huge help. You know that their needs to be a way that people understand you need professional help nine action meaning professional and occurrences. It's. Interesting that you talk about it at such a young age in kindergarten the it's the real got I'm gonna use terms like I don't mean our offensive by the I don't and it's easy cultures and very weird. Did you so you felt as a kid that you were off a little bit Berkshire. Per share my sister hated. You know summertime because she always wanted to go to the pool and if there was one cloud in the sky or the wind was blowing too hard I don't know I. I would just have those anxieties that are fears of the weather or tornadoes of people do have but that was like the first sign right ticket to an extreme. Where it was OK you have anxiety disorder and as I've gotten older of course it's more and more serious things. In just the weather clouds in the sky per share in elementary school I was scared of everything I didn't want to leave the house sometimes I'd be too afraid. I like fell. Waste sadder than other kids. Which I think was when your kid because Georgia is starting to understand life in yourself. Ending to feel like everyone is normal yeah and that you are not this to define normal what did you think it was because I think some of it is self diagnosis when you try to figure a way it is for yourself. But as a kid you're not Smart enough to be able to figure out what it is by herself Rattay. Well I think. Now being that young and there was no way I could have known what to call it I don't even know if I did call it anything. But I definitely knew and felt that this is something is different about me I don't. I can't be as free yours play full hour as happy as all the other kids early of the kids that I wanna be friends with and fit in with our. So I think I would just. You know I just fell an overwhelming amount of sadness. At that age because I couldn't categorize the feelings properly labeled and know what they Wear. But my parents because. And they were super aware of what was going on and mental health is a thing that is talked about very openly and my family. They knew in the Crimean therapy and if it's I think I started in there be for the first time first or second grade but it. For along time I was so good at just telling their that's what they wanted to hear so that they'd yank she's fine now Kenya and yours I was. Asians are they with seeing you when your parents are they between you when your sibling though the estimate that Oliver kind of learning each other I'm. Right Imus this conversation we say you have these open kind of conversations. Define what those are for people out well you know mental. Health disorders right in my feed me. Grandparents have struggled with it my aunt my cousin and my sister to a degree. So just you know. There's like fourteen of us that are really close I'm on side of the Stanley and among us for as long as I can remember even before I was boy artist is always been a thing that we talk about. And you know we we understand that this is a very real thing. There's never been and the time Mike Stanley where one of us has been struggling with something. That we couldn't seize some emotional there now psychological disorder and we game now get over it differently when a point that we always. Talk about it and treated as if once somebody has physical illness. So it was there was or weird feeling as a kid talking about it because it's obviously different with women governments have different kind of courses ocean and what men do. With made I think a lot of it is the be tough mindset change you can be better own your own and you can just. Take a nap do something that makes you have been in you can overcome what ever the situation is worse they would women it is a much more open in. Communicative. Emotional type thing. Did you did did you have those feelings I guess maybe to kind of bring the question full circle. On to talk to like yeah like I did you all was was it a stigma in the beginning of talking to people and feeling. Different about it researcher for and we had these kind of open ended conversations right. I think as I've grown older their bid there's been that kind of fools coming up full circle where. Whenever I was very young elementary school middle school I would just I in the very open person and I don't happen and I would just talk and say things to my friends. You know that. That I thought were just natural feelings OK feeling to have a healthy feeling that everybody had and then their reactions from my friends sometimes sometimes when and in particular. I was talking on an annual instant messenger with one of my friends and I said that's solid out of sight. Dale in the event. Send you to get Tony 88 that was my screen name back there Ed too many skiing games they went too far but I was at what he does the cat these people they know. Got my team discrete I am I only ten days there. I would make one and I'd like this week indicated it was nice Sus hugging her on the current payment and I told I set I remember what I said it was in middle school and I said something that I didn't think was of alarm at all and she was worried she worried her. And I have to tell her mother and her mother called my mother. And that happens multiple as I kept growing in realizing OK it's good to be open about your feelings and stuff but. Maybe I need to talk to some comedic and actually help. An adult probably say yeah I mean I think it's normal that you talked to. People that are the same AG I years because talking to adult does and a cool thing to do at twelve their fingers all I just always talk oh. In about everything and I didn't know that that was something that needed. Extra attention goes to match I didn't know of course they were unpleasant feelings and I knew that they aren't something that I won it. But I ate I didn't yet know. This is I hate this where it and you know the stigma that was attached to those thinks and then. In high school that aspect of Cayman more I felt I had to hide all weaknesses. It's horrible and if I was way more so conscious of all that's happened high school and going through that time period getting the actual help that I needed. And you get to college and get more and more help them become more self aware and now I'm back to talking about it openly with everyone Adam. I really don't have any reservations about talking back and image because I think it's important what you think that's that exist. You know I think it's the same with anything really it's just a matter of what people have been exposed to on a personal level. You know any time net. That you have experience something personally or you know somebody who's experienced something. And you've seen it firsthand you're going to feel differently about going to have more sympathetic feelings about it whenever you hear about it. Happening to strangers. But if you don't necessarily. Have a best friend or a family member or yourself. Who has on Europe and mental health. Disorder. Whatever the case may be you don't know. You know you don't know what it means whenever somebody says I'm so sad I can't get out of bed. That the the doesn't compute to some people common it is because they haven't experienced it and they don't necessarily. Know anybody or know that they know somebody. Who is experiencing so I just think it's a matter of exposure. So many times maybe people are just very afraid. I don't think it's for like I don't think it's any reason outside of fear that by not equating the two issues are trying to jumble them all up on the subject to race I think people like always uncomfortable talking about it. Well it's life I gives especially when you were a minority group like I'm in that I see the world differently than you let would you walk in a certain places in no one is the same color review. Those are things that you. Actively think about it in communicating those things to me is just normal I don't look at it as being abnormal to not talk about it I guess to bring a full circle what you're talking about is. Like your brain operates differently than some people's brain operates why would you not talk about it like that makes a lot of sense I think you probably found this out I don't speak for you. That more more you talk about it. More people called you and say man you think exactly like me or your experiences are very similar tomorrow. Right yeah last October. Bleacher Report did a video. About myself and my friend. And Marshall who plays in the NFL who also has been very open about his borderline personality disorder and has a foundation for mental health now like that stuff and when Mac came out I found that a lot of people that I've known since kindergarten and haven't talked to him forever reach out to mean. Offer advice for themselves or pay my dad's going through this matter relate to lineman yeah I got a ton of those messages I got a gotten hand written letters in the mail from people don't even know. Syria definitely mean and that's why do it honestly don't be too cliche but that's true that's why do it. Were you nervous about that because talking about it. Your Twitter timeline is a lot different they intelligent. Essentially the country about it like an. And you know when you do something with a prominent NFL player yet it is not going to stay in your little confine bubble loved Kansas City. Right people in Utah are gonna seed in wherever in the United States are going to see in over the world people are going to see it was a fear of putting yourself out there to that extent. On. Ronald. Fears the right word I was hesitant but I definitely glasses. And her I was nervous. Just to see myself on camera and to watch us film and go back after all these things in the inner read my parents for it. And they had me in the room while they're talking in my parents and just hearing them say. Vocalize that things that we already experience and I know they were feeling but here and localize those things really. Typical for me but as far as having to. You know really open myself up to people all over the place it's because of platform that Bleacher Report and specifically Branyan has built for himself. You help me with that thought he he and just watching what he has endured. By opening himself up. As of 2011. You know announcing me aboard empress Adidas order a big deal especially because. You say okay have depression people can understand that a little bit more than I have borderline personality disorder adds a big animal to conquer the Concord everyday. And he has. Been a very big help to mean different in a mentor and whenever we are going through that process especially the producer as a pitcher report Q. They just we just were really really think about you know who's gonna see this her. On the eyes watching we just thought about what we are filming on that particular day and will be here at the conversations that we were having while we were filming marks each other. Other Alicia coming up. And yeah like how do you look a girl from Kansas City that what's at school that Missouri how do you meet up with Brandon Marshall legal for a. Yes soul. After my name suicide attempts on August 22 2013. I went through. I changed my therapist went through a bunch of different. On trans formative things and costs beings were still more. Feeling completely right inside of mean I still having those lingering suicidal thoughts I was really dark place in. I think I was on Twitter something thousand in earnest some and I saw different Marshall foundation. That's and seeing clicked on and stuff and I had known you know record a pre and Marshall before back. I really know much about it and then I watched the YouTube video that he. He press conference he had never used in Miami. Announcing his Portland person disorder from views fruit if you use few years prior to that. An and I reached out to the CEO of the foundation at the time in my annual area 2014. And just going to volunteered rank it figured I'd never hear back from and because your hours apart they're based in Chicago. And months went by I figured I'd never hear from anybody there in and one day and name. The 2014. I got a phone call from those CEOs self fun whose name is Louis intimately Haley what's happening those of its brand and and we just talked for like thirty minutes about everything in what will be both gone through as a flight and apparently connected at first in the and the months later in October of that year it flew out of Chicago and help volunteers and fund raiser he pint Chicago leaders and. I know you know about his history in his past without a hard thing I guess in the beginning to balance that. You is doing this good for this community but to some people they have not moved past what happened with Brenda Marshall. Right com. If you are here I'm not going to speak for him but if you are here I know that he would completely. Totally and those actions. And for me to sing is is I know people I've known people before green and who you would board Lampard. Is a hard hard. It completely challenger upside down your the world incited view is just erupting every single second it's horrible and just based on I'm never had a violent episode with anybody Mikey has put it. Based on what I experienced and my mental illness. Almost harming myself. Doing things that I wouldn't normally want to do or income doing. I understand I don't condone what he did it. I don't agree what he has done in the past the other talked about it before. Well one time they came up and I was at the foundation offices in Chicago on October and whenever it does come out I didn't bring it up somebody else by an open rim whenever it does come up in his wife just. Pass that. Pattern it's just. Which I respect and ever since he you know insert himself into a hospital treatment program and got an official diagnosis. Is never he hasn't had any trouble at all. So that's how old you know I'm rationalize it he got the hoping needed any becoming the person you probably always as deep. Here's Hawkins two meg and Armstrong different mind we're having a conversation a mental health Agee you know heard some of the bouts with our relationship to bring a martial. And all it is is that the sports podcast six since force dot com you can also find the iTunes. Let's go back to what you said about a suicide attempt I don't think a lot of people can identify with being at that point in life take people. Leading up to it and the actual attempt. Yeah. So this summer before that it was summer 2013. I just finished my freshman year and his ilk. And I got an internship with NBC Sports Radio in New York City. So that summer for a couple months I lived up in Brooklyn in the same apartment is to my cousins. And it was a rough summer like Laura Lott we argue that each other more than we never argued in our lives we. There are times and I was gonna go home and believe in just entered treatment program somewhere it was bad and. Did you argue because of just normal fuming differences or because of those it was a very good health like I I was I'm trying to. I understand what you arguments were about why you were in New York it was a very confined space I was sick and they wanted to help with didn't. That's why. You know they were there are times I would just be despondent and then had an interject go to New York City I should be super pumped about that which I was thankful for but I just wasn't in the mines that can be like at its. I was like I'm not I'm not I can't or understand this year and NG because humans are. It was just things like that that product a lot of arguments. Whenever I came home from an internship those Augustin. On back to school. I the weakening eighteenth in. I don't know news just. I don't I can't tell you what it was I guess it's everything leading up to that point is crash on top of meal once I don't know. But as soon as I move back into my dorm for sophomore are not dorm apartment for sophomore year I just patted and name and trying to make them and sewed and and can take my life I'm going to attract myself from the situation I feel is never going to be solvable and relieve people who love me of me. That's that was my rationale at that. Is that the first audio or try to do this yeah I think I had thought about it. In high school but I always promised and I'll never tracked a prize now. So he added in a topic prior but this was the first time I go to actually acted it out. But in that week I was just like playing an Alley what's what would be the least painful way to do it is you know all those kinds of horribly morbid. Shots were just naturally coming through mine mine witnesses have. Are you talking a frenzy talking to family or is this just. 434. Week or date period skis meter just trapped in your own mind having these conversations with yourself. I talk to people. Indirectly. About obviously I was like hey guys I'm playing a suicide attempt went talk about it I didn't work like that otherwise it would it's not mean it. I talked about how I'm really overwhelmed right now I don't know how to get up underneath this rock are from underneath this rock I don't know what to do and people were. They taught they gave advice that that was the only advice they could give. And you know in an healthy situation I would have responded that it buys and felt better. But I guess it just wasn't it wasn't getting to what I needed to be next well or he is an underwear. Was tipping point or was as a result was the tipping point the argument with the family members the insertion maybe not going the way that she wanted to do and the frustration with battle was there a singular event a relationship. The anxiety of going back to school that you felt kind of pushed you in this direction. I don't know I is probably all those things to be honest I wish I had more concrete answer com. But I don't I don't know I ages illusionist is overwhelming undeniable black cloud that it completely. Swallowed me up in I think it was just it'd been a long time coming honestly. And throughout that week like I said I was cleaning out sitting in class and sociology class and next to my friend different brand in an entirely in. You're taking notes. In my out but in my mind ousting not going to be here next week it doesn't matter. On so I was at that place and I I I was planning on doing it for some reason on a Wednesday night that rain was like I'm scheduled this little interview for our radio show was doing news so excited about it Selznick okay. And we did it and I pushed it back the next night which as of Thursday night and irony was not home. And violence in my bedroom. And I lock my door which I always did. And there were like bees chords in the corner of my room like ethernet core Ehrlich long. Extension apple quarters. There's much ports. Yes yes this is how well and I started like a reporter around my neck in. It was like in progress in and I don't know what it. Wire how is happy and it might my phone assailant. I site. And a and a voice now I can reminder of what's not that it popped up from the close friend of mine at that time. And I guess. For some reason I got through to me and Ike. I just started. Remembering like what I promised my mom never do Acer all these people that I love and I can't hurt them like this Alice and I stopped my sand but I was. I had been doing it for so long that my neck was so for. Yeah it was. I have no idea there's no way to know you know how much time there was or will be you know but I do know that there was. The scar. For so close and the next I always say that when I've talked about this that does. When my family found out was weighed more traumatic for me to. Did the day afterwards. I was off obviously I woke up and Housley. It's I can I really have to faces this is brought pressure and I didn't outright tell anybody but. I was texting with my cousin Derrick who lived in New York with me he still living in new York at the time in. I think I asked him he ever attempted suicide for Rupert thought about it. And he hasn't thought about them in their doing. Wrong. And he just he knew he knew and he called my mom he said you need to get down to Colombian Megan right now something's. And my mom called my therapist at the time and I knew that. I had been found out when I got a private Paul on myself which is now they're this was calling me. And I ended I was out at dinner with my remain at the time then I got that call went out to the front talked to my therapist on the phone for like an hour all my parents are driving down to Columbia. Bawling my eyes now. And my parents. Arrived and they found me on a curb somewhere house completely missed annex was completely. Issel and I'd like my mom told mean. Months afterward that I was just looking Taylor issues and it's not it's not I mean it's so. It's did did but Hillary at the same time to me. And so that that really was rock bottom for me and then after that switched therapist to local one in Columbia. She was really awesome and it obviously it took time to. Is there problems with the other therapist is though ice which she's eating your new voice yeah. I think I did in with my therapist in Kansas City since like sophomore year high school. She was still in Kansas City so I would do therapy sessions with her whenever I come home and actually make time for me on the weekends like a late Friday night or how would you give phone interview sessions and that worked for awhile but it wasn't obviously it wasn't doing what they're supposed to. And then whenever I changed their to assume. This one in Colombia I realized what I was missing from the previous artist. It's so hard to get into his first all it's hard to get into their private there it spread attacks there as second of all it's hard to know if you actually found one that is. Tailored to help deal. And there's no way of knowing whether or not you have found right lion and much you've actually experienced. The right one for instance like I thought the Kansas City was fine up I was fine and then violence in the wine Claudia. This is how therapy supposed to work so I've always said that I and super lucky to have had an aunt that works in mental health and social. Console toward because she has its connections to help me get the right help I need a lot of people don't have. I went to therapy a couple times there were just covered under insurance. Do you think that cost of therapy. Kind of deters people from getting that kind of help like I don't know how much it cost I'm assuming there's that of varying degrees of how much that it caused. I imagine for some people you have to pay the sixty dollars an hour hour long recession is. At some points like I I just can't financially afford to take care of this issue and I have to go with now. Yeah I think that's the reason it's it's been hand. Point of hesitancy for me in the past or like so I need to and and is insane okay it's on to their appearance in that money. And that makes my parents man it's like no this is why we have money is still like help you get better but. I think that's a point and I think it's just people not necessarily. No honestly I think it's I I don't think that I would've. And I wouldn't have gone into therapy about myself. I'm lucky because obviously I was a minor Ambrose couldn't therapy and I was told you're going to there we're taking you there. And I don't I think that if this all is bowled out for me. At first after I was eighteen I had never experienced it before I don't I don't think I would have urged help for myself. Just because I think I would I was and I still feel barest. But I backed and I was in various races this. That's pathetic you know all those words it. I urge people not to use it once used about myself. Done. I think it it's it's both of those things improbably. Individual factors depending on the percent. It kept Goliath. Everest whenever it up there and I imagine when you're hanging there and think you're going to die. I wouldn't think that you'll want. I don't know if there's spiritual I don't know if you're religious. He thought it was a polite that if it just wasn't it just wasn't short timely goals but it's still hear what you think at that moment in the the voice mail pops up and shows it to you you down and you see in the new decided there I wanna list. Yeah. At the time I just collapse that they didn't think about it. At the time I I don't even think I had begun to think. For a very long time but now I think I do think about often in. I am a spiritual person. Beginning to be more Morse learning more about you know that's out there their family in. And things like every protester and life right now because there Michael Phelps. Indeed he did or didn't happen. Turn it into a fish reacts soul I think. I don't know there there are different reasons. That that come up in and show themselves to me. Every now and then I think. Else on the avenue near all the conversation with someone on the someone on some level constant need for help. This news this is why. You know in the moment and me. Had no idea why that reminder pop up that I can't explain that. Everything he did. But I think I think whenever I know for a fact that that reminder triggered by about. And that I thought about my. Sister my helmet and members of my friends out like a because I always hate is appointing people and I hate her people which is part of the reason at the time that I want that I wanted to like in the first place. So is kinda weird and then also I think I have IE as well and and very afraid of death. Think it that also subconsciously nightly department. Which is ironic that anxiety. Alive from that statement that's when you say perforated death what team. And ever since I was little girl I am. I remember ever I was really little. I think it's it's me and for bed icu offer and I'd be Elaine Arum minutes past by you know just like targeting these really. Ray and that its past racked. I'm. Going to be here there's nothing new about it. That's crazy to hear somebody say that because what you just described I have three times and he like three times a month I'd swear I. I would just be laying there. And me in and I shoot up and I went downstairs comic. And the pace. But the thing I never really talk about are gonna definitely talk to people about it but honestly it's been you don't feel like it'll be three times a month. Ought to be laying there and I'll wake up in the middle and I ask for some reason and then I think what always cares about death more than anything is the uncertainty of what. Happened and maybe you die you just completely stop exist right that's it. He died to go to yes it's south kind of scared don't go ahead and it's not a lot of what it's like and read about it what but the concept that would put it like that I don't know. Maybe you document your dining go to hell this is pretty eternity in this awful awful place in I want I. Legitimately would not be able to go to sleep. The panic executive scribe had this feature through times of. Yeah it's happened Sydney. I think that I have the fear of the unknown in general and that is obviously falls under the category in the biggest the biggest unknown. So yeah I think it I think at once that was not popped up all these dots that is triggered in my mind and I she's. Wit and read. It. You know so I. I don't know I don't know if Edmonton now honestly. Have no idea I aid. Don't know of anybody has an answer. I don't know him I don't think ideal I think ideas have. It's guys had moments and experiences and people happen to mean now more like. As it's who was here at this would never have and help this person a woman on the you know I think the ballot I'm. Recently did maybe. That's in the hope. Yeah. Talking to make it Armstrong chrome on the sigma sport podcast. How do you net those thought since how do you add another attempt since the one you shared as have their being in the rear occurring balance with thoughts of suicide yeah. I have an attempted again. But I. I get I get halfway there now I know have to. Taught myself through it and work through those says that they apartment by new therapies and strategy to do it yourself do you call someone like. Depend whenever you have those moments and you get down in that space how to get yourself out of. Luckily now I can think about people before and halfway through attempting Suze. Natalie felt I talked to my mom about everything include Venus and sometimes I just. Right on journal a lot and write downs and close it and then go back and read enough to really feel this like I really won this. Answers milk my tail. Soul you know I have a budget different coping mechanisms that I've learned in calm now know how to implement before things skit. Escalated to a place that they've been escalated for. Going back bone and not too far to Switzerland bag of dumping a say in retrospect. Are thinking of bowel howl this kind of stuff affect short everyday life Heidi they could affect your relationships. Like a female relationships and pray that is something that Davos where me. Relationships in general tale. I just seemed like a first date question is that like a second question is well like what is that come up I have a I don't like new strategies on dating and buy new strategy now is in the beginning are you all lives matter of blah blah. Like let's just go read that they just go ahead and put that conversation out they're gonna find out anything going really good they feel like you know what. The other black eyes narrow as they may wanna watch this I just let's just go ahead. Phil let's do let's cut the (%expletive) I'm asking like it wouldn't inured to getting a live like how do you have these conversations. The ball die of I still am pretty guarded person as far as dating goes in general so all I ever I am dating someone. It's usually come from the place where they've known mean at that point for these little party knows that stuff. Very I had I've had an experience. Where I'd been on a date with someone and they and we hadn't talked about it before it is because. I go okay I goes I've gone to school people my life in sometimes they go on it's that the and they are you know it because in high school. I was in therapy or college I was in there V and I talk I've talked about the stuff publicly since. In recent college so it's hard to find out saying I try not hard. IA and facts I bullet myself to see how hard it is it's not like the first in parts that are. So don't groove yourself but it only depression I don't I don't I love this at a young age I don't have an extensive history to find on the Internet but the only thing that's is something I wrote in 2014 about this. So. On the ice is something that I decided. Now they're gonna find out eventually. You know I get the part of who I am it's how I operate I had anxieties and dimes. I will say even in. The guys aware it has ruined relationship before. Your anxiety hurts me like. Did you alerts. Are afraid that's gonna study from B with somebody. And I think about that and I've been asked that before and when I was asked before I said. And it you know I've decided whenever I was gonna become outspoken about the answer and it everyone calling him. That that was spent that was more important for me you know I don't consider yourself an advocate for personal I don't know because. It's always weird to think of yourself like I know because I got a charter embrace it like I say that because I've been called. I don't call myself that in any other context like I if someone like a you know what do you on the mental health at adults. I don't know because I'm uncomfortable that's sometimes because I feel like a fraud way. You know if I'm likes it fine. Saying these positive things to people helping him and I'm being taken but then I go home that night and nine struggling myself it's like. And up like a such as being human you know I don't know I still I'm still figuring out that territory. I don't think it's something like when you introduce yourself you don't shake someone's pain and they say what you do for a living it's Friday it well lies well. It was crazy 'cause alms somebody on the show Texan and one day like you have an agenda. And I was like yeah I do have an agenda to for the equality of black people in America like I open about that like that's my. I don't like that as like I like the pretty noble woods alike. I know by the definition that makes me an advocate of a must see athlete for them in double lazy and don't work for like I'd like that's the responsibility of black people it might. Situation. Like Yelp platform and voice to speak to eight. Somewhat larger group of people are it's to speak about things that you are passionate about whether that breast cancer awareness whether that mental health whether it be black lives matter whatever is Brett speak passionately about things you care about to end. By definition an extra. Yeah. I mean I may. I just planned on living my life this way I'm going to talk about it and whenever I can not gonna stuff it down people's throats because that's. Defeats the purpose I excel is at these things all the time. You know I have conversations whenever other people like I have so many friends now our support system everyone on what he does like. They said last night I had these dots and it just like okay. You know that's not normal talk about you know where it's just like conversations you have like anything else. So you know going back to a question about whether I am afraid it's gonna keep me from being in it you know healthy. Lasting relationship EI worry about that pressure. Because I'm not you know I'm. I think I'm self aware but I'm also still self conscious to you know an and still growing very much though. And a way of finding my confidence and all that stuff like twenty years old cell. That's deadly problem mine died at the same time ever I'm speaking out and is sharing my experience is that the world which should be a big deal. You know legislate what we all should do. Obviously maybe help other people in I wanna connect with other people and hopefully it'll work out you know I don't know and if someone's gonna be with me anyway make. Nobody has there and brawl neurotic somehow so it's like. And I don't think it's a problem has been a problem and it might be a problem and. There's item they don't throw for a few more minutes here on six the sports podcast. If someone listening to this is dealing with something just based on the law of averages based on statistics someone listening to the news or to tell. Now. I would first ask them. Close your eyes first count to a number and who who who pops in your mind to talk to its nobody. Keep your clothes in his count to a number whatever number you need to count due until these thoughts either. Oh wait for awhile or less and to a point where you are not in a place where you hurt yourself lord you something. Erratic or harmful in any way and at that point. To start a conversation so I don't you don't have to come out and say hey. I aimed. Depressed right now or I'm in anxious or whatever you want to put a label that make you uncomfortable or if you don't have a diagnosis of any of those things it's just like. I have always found comfort in. Connecting with other people and some if you just talked to a friend about all anything and it tears you up for a little bit. Then maybe I'll by election time to get professional you need I'm not a professional I don't know exactly what you should do in those moments. I'm going to advise someone completely but I do now. That when you close your eyes and you to breathe and you think about something else and just count if you can't think about anything else I completely consumed by these thoughts just count numbers. And if somebody walks in your ailment as what are you doing that's great because then you have a distraction and somebody and know that something's going on you but it's that's so hard it's so hard because. You know I'm speaking with a much clear mind and I used asked if if if you would have asking that question. Years ago out of them like. I don't know I don't know because something else is taken over your brain and your emotions and you don't really control them anymore. So that's such a hard question for me answer because I don't know where. You know person listening to this is I don't know if they're receptive I don't know if at all. They can. What you dislike anything in news. At some point you to be willing to accept that no pressure knowing you need help is on that pressure be willing soon humble yourself so to speak his say. I can't do that unless though right I got to talk to somebody I try to take medicine I need to actively go to therapy every week or twice a week whatever your schedule is. How much of the battle is getting over that part. A lot. A lot of you know it is very humbling to. Today on how I need to take an hour an automated data go to their dealer at a live from it. You know I need to learn how to be myself you know it I struggled without their Rosen in college and that there be every Friday morning I'd be like. Get up early angels. The therapy for two hours I could be doing something else or whatever but at the same time I've grown to absolutely appreciate and actually really Angela. Appease engines I wish everybody needs to act honestly it. That's a big part of it because. Ill a lot of us know that we need something I know we need to do something just like. But that's one thing and then it's another thing like OK and and make the call schedule an appointment in the shot and a appointment. Every week as art. So you know post it to go to the dentist twice a year I think. So it's very difficult and I wish that I had the correct words do. Now fully healed lepers hurting I am right on opening but he really does this is assistant Mary long drawn out thing. But you know once you you getting your rhythm and routine and finally helps you to mullis. It's it's you you're pitchers like other people deal with whenever hurts them you know as suspicious. It really is just a matter of figuring okay fine I need to have. And then at this point I don't even wanna do this by myself but it's really hard to get there where it's like OK I don't. King that's hard. So. You know I I in I mean. Sympathize completely people who are still in the state of it because. This might put you on the spot a little bit as their phone number website you literate people to. It remote print it actually. Colleges project resent and I'm war and even they have. Just like the typical. Suits mine numbers on there all their different it's. Where the others and get help and there's a bunch of different sources that are. Actually typically Writely for even knew him. So and that's that's the one comes in particular time for me project 375 dot org. All right that was bang and Armstrong I really appreciate this conversation I think it's a very important. Conversation we normally do ridiculous and it's on this podcast went. The last funny and this year's no the last I guess it was about black on black crime in the city has about mental health so I don't know what. I'm gonna tackle in the next one but for meg in a cared to in this with the Jessica is worth pocket.